Surgical Impressions, Part I

Igmar Bergman presents "Scenes from a Surgery"

...From 11:00 until 12:30 I wait in this little room where six doctors and nurses come in and ask me the same questions over and over again.

"How old are you?"
"What's your date of birth?"
"What are you having done today?"

...I'm only allowed one visitor in the room at a time. My mother comes in crying, kissing and hugging me, saying she's so proud of me. When she leaves, she's gone for only a second, then runs back in crying for one last hug. No one is allowed to see my brother.

...Gerri stays with me for the last half hour, and takes my picture in my hospital clothes because it's the only thing that's taking our minds off of what will happen.

...The nurse takes us up with 3 other patients to the surgery wing. No family is allowed through the swinging doors. I kiss Gerri and say "See you later, okay?" Both of us are crying when I walk through.

...I'm standing next to a chair where a piece of paper with the number 12 is taped to the back. My gown is over my head and my surgeon is drawing lines and notes with a blue marker on my abdomen.

...I'm laying down in the bed. They've taken off the gown and put an IV in my wrist. There are two inflatable tubes attached to my ankles to ensure circulation. I'm getting wheeled through double doors as one of the surgical team explains about the breathing tube and the catheter.

...I was unaware of the catheter.

...The operating room really looks like the set of ER, or House, MD. Everything is high-tech and clean and would be a lot scarier if they hadn't already injected something "to help me relax" into the IV. The last thing I remember is the overhead lights starting to melt and wave as I continue to breath into an oxygen mask.

7 hours later

...I can hear Jason's surgeon talking to someone. I don't remember what's being said, but I can hear him, and know he's Jason's guy, not mine. For some reason I can't open my eyes or move. Everything is waves of purple.

...My eyes finally open. I'm in a huge room, like a gymnasium that's divided my curtains into small cubicles. Everything is shades of blue. I can turn my head. I look to the right and the first thing I see is my wife, running towards me. The breathing tube is out; it's hard to say anything, but I do:

"Hi, baby."

Street Fairs and Healing Scars

Over the weekend I took my nephew to a little fair in a church parking lot. It was the first time I had been out and doing anything besides laying or sitting down since the surgery. So I put on a loose pair of sweatpants (thus firmly assimilating to the Long Island lifestyle), my sandals and Dr. Seuss shirt and hobbled out for some fun.

Despite the availability of Ferris wheels, spinning tea cups, and other assorted child rides, the second my nephew saw the merry-go-round with child-sized Hummers, fire engines, and motorcycles, I knew what all my tickets would be spent on.

Fire engines...

...and hot rods.

It was while watching Anthony laugh and wave at complete strangers (he had a hard time remembering where we were as he spun around and around) that I finally realized that, for the most part, everything was over. The surgeries were complete, both of us were alive, and I could stop worrying about what Gerri would do if something were to happen to me and begin to live with the knowledge that the future was open again.

Cellar Doors

Despite the glut of new records I have yet to sift through, and admonishments from friends who CLAIM I haven't listened to the mix CDs they gave me months ago (I have always listened to everything at least ONCE, I just don't always remember it!), I have been unable to stop listening to Miles Davis's 6 CD set The Cellar Door Sessions 1970. Every once in a while I get the urge to listen to something and, once I do, it stays in my headphones, in my car, in my living room stereo for weeks at a time. This might be one of those times.

Over the weekend I also took a bunch of pictures, starting moving around like a regular person, ripped off a couple bandages, and figured out a way to finally write about he whole surgery thing. So those will be coming up in the next day or two. It just took a while to get some perspective on everything and find a way to express it without sounding so emotional and sad like some of the previous entries.

Pot Luck Review #3 - Indie Maelstrom

 

...This one goes out to all you wallet-chain wearin', Pitchfork readin', acoustic guitar playin', Third Eye Blind lovin', six-degrees-of-any-band namin' folks out there...

 

WHAT: I went through all the "indie" music m'man Sean has given me that I haven't yet been able to say I liked, hated, or cared enough about to either move into my hard drive or permanently delete yet. I threw them all in the media player, and set it up so it would spew out songs at random (this is a cool new feature to most media players called the Random button. If you've never used it, I definitely suggest checking it out. Suh-weet!). The first 20 get burned as my new mix disc and also gets reviewed "on the cuff" here for Pot Luck Review #3.

WHY: It gives me a chance to listen to a bunch of music I've had for a while and never got around to checking out. Plus it'll give me a chance to argue music with Sean, which is always a blast.

1. Does He Love You - Rilo Kiley: I like Jenny Lewis. I won't say she's my favorite artist (though that may change when I see her in concert), but she has a nice voice, and usually manages to hold my attention. I like this song if only because the instrumentation is off the beaten path, with nice arpeggios sweeping through the chorus. Bit of a Beatles-vibe goes post-rock at the end. These type of lyrics usually don't do much for me, but this is okay. 6.5 out of 10.

2. Tiny Cities Made of Ashes (BBC Version) - Modest Mouse: The bass pops, Falco meets the Pixies (or at least Frank Black). I immediately like this. Spare, in your face, a little Joy Division/Bauhaus fun going on. This rocks. 9 out of 10.

3. One Life Away - M. Ward: This sounds like it was recorded in the 20's. Which I guess is the point. Just a guitar and two voices. I like the fact that you can hear the fingers slide on the guitar strings, but this reeks a little gimmicky for me, and I'd rather listen to some old delta blues if I wanted this vibe. 3 out of 10.

4. Oh My God - Kaiser Chiefs: Kind of a cheat. I love this album, but when adding so much stuff I didn't know, I took a chance and threw this album in. What are the chances - there are 1314 songs in this mix! Anyway, these guys do the XTC thing and they do it right (unlike the Futureheads). Lot of tongue-in-cheek lyrics, up front sound that's not afraid to be played loud, and great harmony vocals. Total 10 out of 10.

5. Wasted Time - Kings of Leon: When indie bands play classic rock, they invariably sound like this to me. Kind of a bluesy, lo-fi garage sound. Little Kinks to it. Eh, I like it. May not like everything else they do, but this is okay. 5 out of 10.

6. At Least That's What You Said - Wilco: I still can't make up my mind on Wilco. They just seem so underwhelming compared to all the hype they get. I like when the music suddenly turns angry and abrupt - the lyrics again are that same old "you hurt my feelings" thing. But the music (especially the second half) lifts it up. 6 out of 10.

7. On Your Wings - Iron & Wine: Nice music, and for once, GREAT lyrics. This would pass just for the lyrics, but, unlike M. Ward, Iron & Wine takes a well-known genre of music and puts it up front and unashamed. Very sparse arrangement, quietly effective. 8 out of 10.

8. So Many Ways - Mates of State: Again, a nice change of pace in terms of lyrics. I imagine that Mates of State are just one of thousands of the "girl and boy band" duos out there, and I remember really not caring for their previous album, Team Boo. But this works for me. 7 out of 10.

9. Hate - Cat Power: Another voice with guitar and some damp-sounding reverb. I think there's something good here, but it's definitely one of the weaker tracks so far. Again, her voice and the sad lyrics (is this another trend? Are all indie people so unhappy?) push this up to a barely 5 out of 10.

10. But Now I know - Smoosh: I think I remember Sean telling me that this was two girls that were like, 11 or something. It sounds like it. And yet, this at least offers something different from all the angst in the previous entries. It bounces. And I like the image it paints of sitting on the stoop in the neighborhood watching the other kids and commenting like a typical girl. 7 out of 10.

11. Narcocorrido - Okkervill River: Shufflin' boogie in a similar vein as the Kings of Leon track, even though they sound completely different. Not bad, but nothing that makes me kick back and say "Yeah!" either. But it's over quicker, so it gets a half point higher. 6.5 out of 10.

12. Christmas Song - Joy Zipper: Insipid lyrics that sound like they were written by 11 year-olds, But Smoosh already proved they're better writers. This song sounds like a bunch of dorks who listened to too much Ride. Specifically Going Black Again. Which rocks. This doesn't. 4 out of 10.

13. Ammunition For a Bolt-Action Heart - The Prayers and Tears of Arthur Digby Sellers: Prize for the stupidest name ever. The music not too bad, but the lyrics once again suck, and that name is horrible, so they lose points. 5 out of 10.

14. I'm Going to Stop Pretending That I Didn't Break Your Heart - Eels: Is it me, or does this sound like it should be in a Paul Thomas Anderson movie? Maybe it's just me. Like the gruff vocals, but the title of the song is too damn long. These are those guys who sang "Novocaine for the Soul?" Hmm. Not what I expected. Pretty good. 7 out of 10.

15. Not Tonight - Matt Sharp and Maya Rudolf - WTF!? Are these guys covering Tegan and Sara? WTF!!!! And is that the chick from Saturday Night Live with the awesome body? I only have what Sean wrote on the tracks to go by, but WTF!? It's not Tegan and Sara, but just for the surprise factor this rocks. 8.5 out of 10.

16. I Can't Say Goodbye - Bravo Silva: Anything would be a comedown after the last song, and this is no exception. Honestly, if this were radio, this would be off by now. 3 out of 10.

17. Ball of Twine - Louis XIV: This is a strange song. I like it, but don't know how often I would listen to it. This has got more of an authentic 70's vibe then Kings of Leon. Pretty uncompromising, and definitely not something that will be played on radio. This is a good thing. 7 out of 10.

18. Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene: This does absolutely nothing for me, despite the lyrics about oral sex. 3 out of 10.

19. Allison Krausse - The Stills: I always confused the Stills with two other great bands I was introduced at the same time, Spoon and Stars. This is definitely the least of the three bands. Song's okay, but really in a one-trick pony. 5 out of 10.

20. Ringing in the Dark - Minus Story: And this is where it ends. Not with a bang but a whimper. 5 out of 10.

 

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Well, all on all it wasn't too bad. I found a couple songs I will definitely be playing more of, and maybe a couple songs I'll be deleting forever.

 

 

Still Waiting

Can't sleep. They've re-admitted my brother back into the hospital. Did a sonogram; didn't find any signs of clotting or abnormal swelling, so tomorrow morning they're going to do a biopsy and see what's going on. The entire transplant team's been notified and are there.

My mother's staying there at the hospital with him for the night and them driving home tomorrow afternoon to decide what to do. I offered to go there tonight with Gerri and either stay with her or take her home with us, but she refuses to allow me near the hospital. Everything she currently can't do for Jason in terms of protecting him from failure or setbacks she's trying to do for me, and that includes staying away from driving, being near sickness (hence her abject refusal to allow me near a hospital), and shouting at me again and again to make sure if I have ANY issues - bleeding, swelling, pain - that I'll call my doctor immediately.

It seems right now all I can do is let her protect me the best she can, and wait for her to call again. In the meantime I stay up, lose sleep, and try to forget in order to stay sane, only to have it come crashing back full force every 2 minutes in my head.